I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
live long and prosper!
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead