I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997


Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.


Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.


Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.


I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.


Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.


My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know


I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.