I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My love language is deader than Latin
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog