I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Sticker placement is key.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
The two types of wives
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges