I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here