@DarkerWillow

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

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@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@MavenofHonor

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@iwearaonesie

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

@FudgeRobot

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

@mostlysharks

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@murrman5

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas