I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
found this cool rock hiking today
🤣
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.