I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters