I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
umm…
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake