I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You Might Also Like
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
hey, alexa
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.