i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life