I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Chemical wingman