@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

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@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@BDGarp

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

@Ygrene

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

@weathrgirlmarge

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.