I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

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[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”


I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.


Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.


Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?


When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”


Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”


the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr


It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.


After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.


Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.