I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
You Might Also Like
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
we all know this pain all too well
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.