@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

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@BaileyXPaige

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

@gogs_shush

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

@ms_woodsy

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

@Daveastated

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@Triballistix

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@Phlegmingway

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.