I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
moms in horror movies
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Everyone’s family
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”