I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Anime is real
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
crochet youtube is brutal
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.