I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
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None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
motivation
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?