I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
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[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”