I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid