I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
This rocks
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Breakfast for Stoners:
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation