I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
For anyone who needs this today
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?