I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me irl
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.