I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar