@cheeky__gal

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

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@TheDjinnTrials

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

@filthspiration

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

@UncleDuke1969

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

@EndhooS

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@ilovepie84

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

@LadyBroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.