I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Yep.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”