@TheDjinnTrials If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
@cheeky__gal I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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@TheDjinnTrials 
@filthspiration Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
@UncleDuke1969 [on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
@jonnysun *being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
@GrahamKritzer Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
@JustASmirk A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
@EndhooS Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
@donni The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
@ilovepie84 Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
@LadyBroseph Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.