I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Feels
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker