I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale