I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first