I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.
End of list
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.
“Wow, you’re tall!”
*repeat for infinity*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe