Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe