I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
he chose this
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
SF is the wild wild west man
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.