I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
this article brought to you by lions
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.