I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
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*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.