I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic