I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
What the hell happened in there??
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…