I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA