I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve