I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still