I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs