I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?