i think my razor is having a panic attack
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*tries to be less adorable*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.