i think my razor is having a panic attack
You Might Also Like
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”