I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I am yelling
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.