I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket