I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.