@Puncroaker

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

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@GinAndJif

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

@Social_Mime

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@KateWhineHall

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

@Social_Mime

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

@david8hughes

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

@Kyle_Lippert

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@junejuly12

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?