I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
i’m sure it’s fine
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.