I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Lol
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line