I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks