I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Think I pulled my liver
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Lmao
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.