i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”