i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers