i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
that lip filler tho
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.