i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.