i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
That lamp looks PISSED.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…