I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too