I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Wednesday
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today