@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

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@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@robfee

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

@nerdcula

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@mejustbeth

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

@Colleen1913

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

@aka_fatman

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

@Chhapiness

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath