I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My dad is at it again
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.