I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best


Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”


if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel


It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?


Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!


Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.


Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath