I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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In a parallel universe nobody can park.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up